Boxed Wine and Bedwetters

I haven’t written in awhile, because truthfully, I haven’t had too much to say.

Quarantine has been tough on all of us in different ways, so I guess it felt like the same old story, no matter what I wrote about.

The thing is, we were supposed to get back to ‘normal’ eventually. I think we all assumed by now, we’d have this all figured out.

Nope. Not even close.

Now we wear masks everywhere we go, and although they aren’t covered, no one seems to look each other in the eye anymore. The masks hide our smiles, but not our tears and frustrations.

Now our children are supposed to learn virtually or go to school with a mask on all day. Now we are, not only, adding support to our teachers, but also, tech support on programs we’ve never been trained on, or even used, all while working from home ourselves and taking care of babies. Now we fear for our little ones everyday, and not because of Covid-19. We fear for their sanity. We fear how this is changing them.

I don’t know about you, but I am beyond upset about the state of our country right now. We are so divided. We are so broken. Many of us are riddled with anxiety. Many are angry. Many are depressed.

One thing I think we can all agree on, is that the children are suffering the most from this pandemic. Some are going to school in masks, unable to see their teachers smiles, unable to hug their friends.

Some are home all day trying to learn on a computer that keeps glitching, kicking them out of their online classroom, while their baby sisters distract them and their mothers drink wine or eat their feelings all day in frustration. Or is that only in this house?

Some parents have been forced to send their kids to private or Catholic schools, because they both work full time. Some, like myself, are scaling back our hours, to be home with our children during “school,” but feel like prisoners in our own homes. We are afraid to curse, not have on a bra or be caught bending the wrong way on camera.

Today, I was wearing my pajamas and getting my coffee and realized my bottoms were kind of short and Gabbie’s class on Google Meets may have seen half my ass. I know another mom who was caught on video breastfeeding.

I’m not sure I will ever get used to this “new normal.” All I know is that we need to guide our kids through this the best way we can. We need to support each other and stop getting sucked into the divide that is forming on social media and spilling out into the rest of our lives.

We need to vent, cry, take breaks when necessary, go for a walk or Marco Polo or FaceTime when lonely or frustrated. We need to get through this. Because there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel we call 2020…right?

I cried in the shower today.

I cried for George Floyd.

I cried for George, his family and every black person who’s ever felt fear just because they’re black. Or even worse, died because of it.

I cried for all the mothers of black boys.

I cried for the riots and looting to stop. I fully support the Black Lives Matter movement, but it hurts to see my city torn apart. It hurts to see my friend’s State Trooper car destroyed in front of him and know that he is putting himself in the line of fire. It hurts to know that the store my husband manages is not safe and is being boarded up after they close early tonight. Thinking of him in any danger makes me sick to my stomach.

I cried because I had to explain to my children last night why there were cops guarding the mall near our home. I had to explain that a bad cop killed an innocent man just because he was black. I had to explain that “no, that doesn’t mean all cops are bad.” and “yes, I still want you to call 911 if there’s an emergency, because most cops are good and will protect us.”

I cried because Corona virus isn’t over. There are still people contracting the virus and dying. We are still at risk. Our new normal is scary to me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I cried because there are still 3 weeks of homeschooling, before a long summer of no camps and a closed swim club. I cried because everyday of this is a struggle.

I cried because I hate wearing a mask. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

I cried because I’m tired of being stuck in this body. The body that has been through so much and birthed three children, feels like it is failing me…or maybe, I am failing it. I cried because the weight I’ve gained from pregnancy and quarantine is more than anyone should in a year and I feel like I’m trapped in someone else’s body. I cried because I can’t seem to stop stress eating and drinking wine because of the anxiety of all of the things I stated above.

I cried because having fibromyalgia sucks and it is so much worse when I’m stressed out. I cried because I’m tired of explaining to my kids why I have another headache, stomachache or backache. I’m tired of waking up tired and needing to push myself out of bed. I have no energy, focus or drive, but need to fake it for my kids.

I cried because of the guilt. The guilt that I put on myself to be better, which inevitably leads to me doing something self-destructive…aka that extra glass of wine I didn’t really need.

I cried.

I cried for me.

I cried for every black person that’s died for being black.

I cried for everyone that’s died alone because of corona.

I cried for the world I’m raising my kids in and how scary its become. How do we keep them safe?

I cried.

Got roots?

Whether your gray is coming in, or you have black roots and blonde ends, I have a few tips to get you through quarantine with inches of regrowth.

First, if you have dark roots and the rest of your hair is light, never wear a middle part. It will make the dark roots stand out much more. I recommend wearing a side part, and zigzagging it a little with a comb, so it breaks it up. Use dry shampoo and teasing to give it a little lift. If you are out of dry shampoo, baby powder works fine as well.

If you have grays, you can use a hair mascara or powder close to you hair color to cover them up. You can get these on Amazon or most drug stores. Switching up your part can also make a big difference. Find a part where the grays are less noticeable.

What you shouldn’t do is pluck the grays because they will come back and stick up even more. Also, please don’t use a box color or root touch up in a box. It’ll cost less in the end just to wait for your hairdresser. You don’t want an expensive color correction when this is all over.

If your hair is particularly bad one day, grab a cute headband or scarf to cover it up!

If you do daily zoom meetings and need to look presentable from the neck up, the tips above along with a 5 minutes face routine, will have you zoom ready in no time!!

Start with a tinted moisturizer of your choice. My favorite tinted skincare is Rodan and Fields Radiant Defense, but you can use what you are comfortable with. This will even out your skin tone quickly. If you are oily, set with powder. Apply your fave blush to the apples of your cheeks, mascara (my fave is Thrive Causmetics) and gloss (or even chapstick) and you are ready to go!

Find a place in your house to get on your call with natural light. You can also buy an inexpensive selfie light on amazon, if your house is particularly dark.

For more beauty hacks, stay tuned. I’m always thinking of more ways to help busy ladies feel their best!

Last nights stained wine glass, sitting next to today’s steaming cup of coffee. Empty baby bottles, crunchy bibs and soiled diapers strewn here and there.

The pile of laundry is taller than my 9 year old now, and never seems to go down. The sink is always full. The pantry is always empty.

Baby Einstein plays as background music to my arguing 6 and 9 year olds, all day long.

This is the soundtrack of my life.

Used bandaids, dirty mismatched socks, hair ties and cereal that never made it into the kids mouths, can be found on the floor at any given time.

The ice maker stopped making ice again and the toilet won’t flush. The lamp needs a lightbulb and that toy my 6 year old wants to play with right now, needs batteries.

Trash is piled high, the dishwasher is full again (but never run), so now the sink is over flowing too. Laundry sits in the washer, smelling of mildew, because I forgot to switch it to the dryer 2 days ago.

Through open windows, you can hear phrases like “why, would you do that?,” “you are driving me crazy,” and “go to your room,” followed by stomping feet and slamming doors.

I wanted so badly to thrive during this pandemic. I wanted to come out a better person. I wanted to cherish the little things, to ride bikes as a family and make pancakes everyday smiling. I wanted to slow down, take a breathe and enjoy this time with my kids for all the people still working, like my husband.

I’M NOT THRIVING THOUGH!!

I’m barely surviving.

I started off with high hopes, but this is getting progressively harder every day!!! I feel like I’m in the movie Groundhog Day. I get up, make the coffee, make the bottle, make the breakfast, unload and reload the dishwasher, argue with my kids to do their schoolwork, do 78 loads of laundry, make the lunch, do some kind of craft with the kids, make more bottles, get my kids 1 million snacks, take them outside for fresh air, make dinner, drink a shit ton of wine, eat my kids snacks when they are bed, sleep a few hours and REPEAT.

Anyone else never know what day it is, or what time it is?

Anyone else find themselves saying, “sure, why not?” to just about anything because, they just don’t care anymore. There are no rules in quarantine. Want Easter candy for breakfast, sure. Want to stay up late, sure! Want to get your third bath today, sure. Want to skip brushing your teeth this week, why, not? Want teal hair, OK! Things I would never have agreed to before, seem like no big deal.

I feel like I’m hanging by a thread this week and just need to know that I’m not alone! Who’s with me???

I’m toasting the end of the bread. The piece that I often threw away without a thought.

I’m using the apple with the bruise and just cutting off the piece that went bad. Some of you may have always done this, but not me. I never realized how wasteful I could be in my pre-corona existence.

I’m making meals out of all the random items that have been sitting in my pantry forever. So many times I have looked at them and thought, “ugh, we have no food.”

I’m utilizing leftover chalk paint to bring new life to an old sofa table and give me a creative outlet. This is the kind of thing I would talk about doing for months, but just put off, because “I’ll get to it later.”

I’m reading a book that I bought a year ago, but it was collecting dust on my shelf, because I just “didn’t have the time” to read. I wasn’t prioritizing my time properly is what I’m now realizing.

The kids are playing with things that they haven’t touched in years. Sidewalk chalk that was once ignored has become a chance to get out and get some fresh air and sunshine.

They are collecting scrapes all over their legs, like kids of yesteryears, from bike rides around the block. This is something they should be doing anyway, but they were always “too busy” or “too tired” because of school and extracuriculars.

Board games they received as Christmas gifts, and rarely used, are now part of fun family nights. We are playing charades, having movie nights and setting up tents in the living room for “camping.”

This is a scary time. There is so much uncertainty. But, the one thing I know we can take away from this is finally appreciating all of the things we have taken for granted.

Looking over photos of the last few months with a new baby, I see so many pictures of my kids and my husband holding the baby. We took pics of every person who came to the hospital, holding the baby. We took more pics of everyone who visited the house those first couple of weeks, holding the baby.

Rarely do you see me, holding the baby, unless it’s a selfie.

If I ask my husband why he never takes pictures of me with the kids, he says, “you never like pictures of yourself.”

Take them anyway!!!

I may not love every picture, and want it on social media, but years from now I will be grateful to have them. Yes, like most women, I pick apart my photos. I say, “ugh I look big in that one” or “can you crop my arm out of that one?” Sometimes I look like I’m missing a tooth, because I have one that curves inward. Sometimes my husband just takes the photo at the most unflattering angle possible.

But, I don’t want to look back on my life and only see selfies, pictures of my dinner and memes. I want to see that I was there too, being a part of it all. That I was being silly with Gabbie, or falling asleep holding Cece or snuggled up with Millie on the couch watching a movie.

I want to know that I was there in the moment and someone captured it…without me asking and posing.

So, in closing, men, take the damn picture!

I’ve never seen anything like this in my life, “The ‘rona” as my friends and I are calling it.

No one has!!! It’s basically unprecedented!

We are on lockdown, like it’s the middle of a war and the enemy is coming. We are homeschooling our children, stocking up on toilet paper and washing our hands so much our phones no longer read our thumbprint.

This quarantine has been like the longest snow day in history, where you feel like it’s normal to eat junk food all day and start drinking at noon. Your nerves about the potential spread of the virus and the chance your children may be home with you for much longer than anticipated, make the afternoon wine seem deserved and normal.

It’s like the week between Christmas and New Years, when you have no concept of time and it’s acceptable to eat cookies for breakfast and chug wine at basically any time of day, without anyone judging. Or if they do, you don’t care.

It’s Halloween night, when the neighbors are all sitting in their driveways or taking walks with their kids, holding an alcoholic bevi, but in this scenario, you have to stay 6ft apart and certainly aren’t handing out candy, without getting a death stare!!

In all seriousness though, this quarantine has taught me a lot about the things we all take for granted…like having a home to be “stuck in.”

It has taught me patience, while stepping into a new role as my children’s teacher. I am learning along with them, how to use all these amazing resources that have been provided to continue their education throughout this ordeal.

It has taught me the importance of great neighbors that have each others’ backs, even through pandemics! Although we are “social distancing,” I feel closer to them than ever.

It has also shown me to slow down a little bit and look at the big picture! Yes, I’m eating a bit more junk and drinking a little more, but overall it has actually been a positive experience. I’m spending more time with my family and coming up with creative ways to stay busy. I’m reading more, getting in some projects I’ve been putting off around the house and appreciating self-care more than ever.

My children are also starting to value certain things a little more. They are enjoying bike rides, just to get out of the house and see their friends, even if it’s from a distance. They are excited to get notes from their teachers and impress them with the work they are completing at home. They are helping me cook and paint and playing more with their baby sister. They are snuggling up more and excited about movie night or ordering a pizza, things they took for granted before.

The ‘rona is scary and nothing to take lightly. But, humor is how my friends and I deal with it. It’s how we deal with life in general. Sending each other gifs, Marco Polo vids or FaceTiming to have that human connection we are all craving are helping us get closer through this crazy situation.

We are all doing our best to survive this, but my goal is to thrive as well! Now if only I could lay off the drinking and stop eating the contents of my fridge everyday, I think I’d really be in a good place. But really I think we all get a pass right now to handle this the best way we can!

Hang in there everyone. Don’t let the ‘rona get you down. Make the most of this time and enjoy life, like you’re at a tailgate for a big event that may or may not happen. Don’t just focus on the destination, but enjoy the ride getting there!

I have a saying hanging up all over my house, “Stop waiting for the storm to pass, just learn to dance in the rain.” That lesson is more clear to me now than ever.

Right before I walked in to have my third c-section and my third baby girl, I was the most anxious I’ve ever been in my life!

I was begging them to knock me out.

Not only was the fear of another surgery while awake freaking me out, but the thought of having another baby (when I thought we were DONE) was making me want to hurl!

My kids were just starting to get independent, and the thought of starting over was terrifying. Add to that, the bright lights, 7 people you’ve never met all standing over you poking and prodding and the fact that your arms are pinned down like Jesus on the cross, the experience really is a mind-fuck.

Somehow I made it through (only puking twice) and they pulled out the most perfect little doll baby I’d ever seen. I felt this instant calm wash over me and was overcome with joy.

I never really experienced that with my other two births. The first time I had such a long scary labor that by the time I had my emergency C-section, I barely knew what was going on. The second time, I walked in for a scheduled c-section, but was so drugged up when they pulled her out, I barely remember the birth.

This time was different. I instantly fell in love and knew that everything was going to be ok. And it has been!

Don’t get me wrong, having a baby just shy of your 39th birthday, with 2 other kids and multiple businesses to run, isn’t easy, but something about the last baby just puts everything into perspective and makes you appreciate it all more.

I find myself snuggling her a little more, knowing she’s my last. I stare at her a little longer, memorizing the features of her little face, knowing how quickly they change. I find it much easier to say No to other things that just aren’t important to me anymore. I am really appreciating every coo and caw more than I ever did before.

This time, I’m not trying to rush her to the next “first,” but to fully enjoy each one.

This time, I am older, wiser and more calm because this isn’t my first rodeo.

This time, I appreciate every moment.

I’m also loving what Cece has done for us as a family. (Yes, we finally picked a name, Cecelia). Instead of being jealous, the older girls are obsessed with their little sister. My husband and have truly become a team and his support while healing from my surgery, was more than I ever could have imagined. I had a horrible reaction to the glue that was used and blistered really bad. He literally waited on me hand and foot, and took care of all the kids, so I could heal.

The third child can either make or break you. I believe that we are stronger then ever. Our family is now complete.

For some reason my husband and I cannot seem to name this third baby. We have ideas and lists but just can’t agree to make it “official.”

Maybe a big part of that, is because once she has a name, this whole thing is really freakin’ real! I mean, we know it’s happening, it’s actually happening in 5 short weeks. But, I don’t think either of us if truly ready to accept the way our reality is about to change.

As I’m writing this, baby girl #3 is kicking and squirming in there like crazy to remind me that no matter how much we dodge thinking about it, or avoid getting the nursery ready or refuse to settle on a name, SHE IS COMING!!

Our morning routine, which is already a hot mess, will be even more chaotic with a newborn, the time I had to myself FINALLY while the kids are both in school full day, will now be full of diaper changes, cleaning bottles, folding tiny baby clothes and guzzling gallons of coffee. Bath and bedtime, which again, are already pretty much a mess, will be even more difficult with a sleeping infant upstairs.

Our reality is about to take a drastic change and I’m not sure there is truly a way to prepare for it.

So, until we see that little round face smiling up at us and get an epiphany, she is “baby no-name.”

This was my third c-section, so I really thought I was prepared. The thing about having a baby is, not only is every pregnancy different, but so is every birth.

Although I already had two c-sections, one emergency, one scheduled, this third one took the cake for the most unexpected “side effects.”

First of all, I puked during the surgery, which didn’t happen the other times. So I’m laying there with my arms pinned to my sides, half-naked and numb, and the anesthesia made me sick. I was puking off the side of the bed while bringing my baby into the world. Not exactly the beautiful moment you picture in your head, leading up to the birth.

Secondly, I had a reaction to the glue they use on the steri-strips that I never had before. I literally blistered and had a chemical burn around my entire incision. I ended up needing steroids and going through 2 boxes of gauze, after 3 creams did nothing but melt off my weeping pelvic region. So that first couple weeks of recovery was challenging to say the least.

Third, I was breastfeeding during all of this and that sucked for me just as much as it did the first two times. I truly think that not everyone is meant to breastfeed AND THAT’S OK. I tried, I made it a month, and now I have a much happier formula-fed baby.

FED IS BEST!

Fourth, I had and still have crazy nerve pain from my incision, down my entire right side of my groin. I was literally icing my vag for weeks. This never happened to me before with the other two births, and I still don’t quite understand it. Apparently, it’s “perfectly normal” and most likely will go away overtime (almost 5 months later and I’m still waiting). I guess they cut through some nerves as they were wading through the scar tissue.

Lastly, and this is the icing on the cake, when I went for my 6 week check up, I asked why there were red lines from my incision going down (on my who-ha basically), thinking I had some weird infection happening or something, and she says, “oh, those are just stretch marks.”

Wait, what?

I didn’t even push! I had a c-section! Why are there stretch marks on my lady parts? I would have preferred an infection that would clear up with antibiotics. So now my cha cha looks like it was mauled by a tiger….great!

Stretch marks on your ‘gina, just another joy of motherhood they forget to tell you!